Unreal Perfection
by Sabaku no Enzeru
Summary: When a Mary Sue comes to terrorize the Narutoverse, not even the villains are safe. Not only that, but she's afflicted a select few Konoha ninjas with something akin to the curse seal...Oh NOES! What are our poor ninjas to do?
1. Chapter 1

Author's Note: This story is a Mary-Sue parody, written in collaboration with my friend Houki Handorra. The parts in _italics_ are in third person, while the parts in normal font are from Orochimaru's POV.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Naruto, though I do own the hidden village of Plot Device, and Tsuyayaka Kanashimi. Be thankful.

So, it all began on a stormy night...I was just sitting in a chair, minding my own business, when the door randomly exploded. No, seriously, it exploded . Right off it's hinges into a million itty-bitty little pieces. And that's when I first caught a glimpse of her, and knew I had found a truly vile foe...

_"Hi Daddy-sama!" A high, melodic voice squealed into Orochimaru's ear, causing his eardrums to ring loudly. The voice belonged to a young, beautiful girl of only 15 years._

_Though still at an innocent age, her form was defined in ample maturity, enough to turn the heads of boys wherever she went. Her hair was gorgeous; Glossy, silky, and raven-black with shimmering violet streaks. But it changed to wheaten blonde when sunlight formed a perfect halo about her head, to dewy silver when she recalled her tragic past, and to flaming, bloody scarlet when she became angry. Her orbs were emerald green, but one changed to crimson and the other to a misty grey when she used the power of her Sharikugan. Ruby lips formed a perfect pout in the foreground of her flawlessly porcelain skin, and a delicate, finely-moulded nose wrinkled slightly when she laughed like a chorus of angels. Her impeccible singing voice attracted men and small animals when she burst into songs by Green Day and Evanescence, perfectly reflecting her horrid, angsty childhood and how no one understood her because she had the spirit of the two-tailed Kawaii Neko sealed within her._

_She wore a stunning body-suit made of bandages, with three-quarters long fishnet sleeves. High-heeled sandals adorned her agile, dainty feet, and mesh also swathed her long, creamy, gazelle-like legs. A forehead protector with a mysterious, unknown crest was tied around her tiny waist. Her hair was free and flowing in the artificial breeze, with one lock of it curving over her well-formed, small forehead. The katana she had dubbed the Trust Blade hung at her hip, the emeralds within its hilt glimmering in the dim light, and its midnight-black sheath gleaming like wet ink. She stood surrounded by a column of white light, reflecting her purity, innocence, and devotion to the ones that she once loved._

So yeah. This preteen just comes in, glomps me, and starts rambling about being my child...She had hair the colors of a rainbow, and this REALLY annoying spotlight following her around. It made me squint, and squinting is bad for the slitted pupils...Her outfit was completely impractical, I might like to add. Honestly, I thought that Anko went wrong with the fishnet shirt, butit's been proven that there are worse fashion statements out there. No child of mine would be prancing around in that getup...So I tried reasoning with her. Stupid, stupid me.

_"Remind me again, who the hell are you?" Orochimaru asked, slightly stupified by the sudden visitor and the gleaming light. _

_"Why Daddy, I'm your precious daughter Tsuyayaka Kanashimi!" She replied, tossing her neon green and orange-streaked hair over one ivory shoulder._

Tsuyaya...Hunh? She's got a name that's remarkable similar to the noise one makes when hit in the mouth. If she really were my daughter, I'd be wondering what I was thinking when I gave her that name...Wait a moment. Wasn't her hair black with purple streaks just a moment ago? I'm confused.

_"Daughter, hm? Who's your dear mommy?" Asked Orochimaru, his voice tainted with sarcasm as he leaned against one arm of the chair. Kanashimi's eyes glistened with tears as she replied, telling him a tale of tragedy and woe._

_"My mother was Uchiha-Hyuuga Kagome. She was born of a forbidden union between the grandmother of Sasuke and the grandfather of Hinata, and was blessed with the combination Sharingan and Byakugan, also known as the Sharikugan. It is the most advanced of bloodline limits, even rarer than demonic ice mirrors or anything else. She met you as just a Chuunin, and you both fell in love. Then you married and had me, an even more wonderful and amazing prodigy than my mother and yourself combined. But she died a tragic death at the hands of both the Akatsuki and the ANBU...She was an S-ranked missing nin who just wanted to bring good into the world! And I was just 5 years old. You were devestated, and abandoned me to fend for myself, when I was adopted by Hatake Kakashi, the copy ninja. He taught me everything I know today, but I wanted to find you..."_

WHAAAAT? I remember none of this. If I had any children, I would have long since eaten them all! Just...No. I can remember at least the last 20 years clearly, and I recall NO marriage within that time...And what's a Sharikugan, anyways? Last time I checked, they didn't exist...

_"I don't remember any of this..." Orochimaru mumbled, looking even paler than usual as he leaned over the side of the chair."This can't be true." _

_"Of course not. You had your memory erased after I left!" Kanashimi replied, her voice suddenly becoming sweet and understanding. "Look in your heart dad, you know it has to be true..." _

_"Get out of my house!" Shreiked Orochimaru, clutching a pillow as if in self defense, pointing one finger towards the doorway."Your'e BURNING me!" Slumping over into a fetal position, he began to sob hysterically as Kanashimi left, cherry blossom petals swirling in her wake._


	2. Chapter 2

Authors Note: Hi! Thank you for bearing with us while we added the second chapter. Anywho, before you begin, this time the first-person parts of the story are from Lee's POV, while the third person are, well...Third person, just as always.

**Disclaimer:** No, don't own Naruto, blah blah blah. Some things never change.

Well, this sucked. All I had wanted to do was get past these dropout kids so I could get to the exams and make Gai-Sensei proud, but it ended up with them advancing, preparing to beat the crap out of me. Demeaning, especially considering that taijutsu's my specialty...But soon disaster struck. Sparkly, levitating disaster.

_Suddenly, a lithe form shot in between the fists of the attacker and Lee himself. A girl, pale and stunningly radiant, had nobly blocked the punch, risking injury and nail-breakage. She looked up at this inferior, Sharikugan eyes gleaming. _

_"Don't harm my friend." The mysterious kunoichi murmured, her eyes beginning to glow a sullen amethyst as silver cat ears grew from her bloodred hair and two tails of a matching color magically appeared from the back of her fishnet-and-bandage shorts. Long, elegants claws formed at her fingers, and ivorn fangs glistened at the corners of her lips._

_"Kawaii Neko power; GODMODE-NO-JUTSU!" She cried, a combination of energy and sapphire-blue chakra forming in her hands. She rushed forward and slashed at both of the boys in front of her with graceful yet mighty fury. They fell down instantly dead with red marks all over their bodies. The crowd of surrounded genin gaped at her in awe._

_"Who...Are you?" Asked Neji, uncharacteristically dumbstruck at her alluring beauty and strength...Either that, or that fact that she still had a tail even as she went back to normal. The girl smiled and flipped her silken scarlet locks out of her eyes._

_"Tsuyayaka Kanashimi." She replied breezily, high-heels plying through the air rather than trampling coarsely on the unsuitable floorboards. She appeared behind the young Hyuuga, an enchanting smile upon her porcelain facade. "But call me Shi, if you wish."_

Could someone EXPLAIN to me what just happened? All my life, even being around the likes of Neji and Sasuke, I've never seen a jutsu like that. Never. And who does this furry, glowing freak, Tsuyaya-whatserface, think she is, interfering when I could have taken care of it myself? Se didn't have to kill them...But it gets worse, and I can finally say that I have SOME sympathy for Neji in the aftermath...

_"Y-you're beautiful !" Neji stuttered, eyes wide and staring into Kanashimi's lovely face, taking in every immaculate detail._

_"Why, my Lord Hyuuga..." Kanashimi said wistfully, pulling her face a bit closer to his. "I don't know what to say...In fact, I don't think I need to say anything. You're deserving of this." And at that moment, she planted her lips at the angle between Neji's jaw and neck and kissed him, lips brushing away to reveal a sort of seal; Three pink hearts forming a circle and whirring as they spun around in a cycle..._

MOOT! Either she was born in a nuclear power plant, I'm hallucinating, or there were some really weird chemicals in her lipgloss that Neji had an allergic reaction to...Or maybe D, none of the above. Then it began to get really scary when he looked up at her, eyes hot pink and filled with hearts, and said the fateful words...

_"Kanashimi-chan, I'd be honored to be...To be your..." Suddenly, Neji grinned in an almost psychotic manner. "To be your circus clown!" Circus music began in the background as Neji walked forward on his hands, doing backflips in between. But this _romantic _moment was interrupted when one of the chuunin exam's proctors burst in through the door looking panicked._

_"Everyone listen!" He cried frantically, waving his arms in a melodramatic fashion. "The Akatsuki AND Orochimaru AND the ANBU have all suddenly turned on us and are attacking the village as we speak! We need someone strong! Someone worthy! Someone who's makeup won't run in the middle of battle! We need..." Suddenly, he looked at Kanashimi and gasped, pointing to her. _

_"We need YOU! You can be the next Hokage if you want..." The proctor smiled shyly and shuffled his feet like a schoolboy._

_"No no no...I couldn't possibly take such a kind offer!" She gasped with a shy glance at Neji. "I must do my duty and protect the village that I've randomly stumbled across! Come my mindless sla--I mean, come my fellow shinobi! To BATTLE!"_

_"YAAAAAAAAAHHH!" The horde of ninja cried as they charged towards the door, leaving Lee in a cloud of dust._

A-choo! A-CHOO! Wow, they really need to dust these rooms...Oh well. So what am I, hm? Chopped liver? Neji gets a fancy-pantsed curse seal-type-thing-whatchamicallit, and I'm stuck back here. For comic relief, if I'm lucky. Oh, I forgot...Neji's Kashawhatever's circus clown! (Wait, what's a circus clown? I've never heard of them...) But if random villains are attacking for some completely unknown reason, then I must go, if only to protect Konoha--And Sakura-chan, of course--Even if it makes no logical sense. Onward!


	3. Chapter 3

Authors Notes: Hi. Welcome to chapter three! Foolish grin In this chapter, Sakura tells the story...Or at least in the first-person parts she does. As with the first two chapters, this story was written in collaboration between myself, Mistress of Calamity, and Houki Handorra.

**Disclaimer:** In no way, shape, or form do we own Naruto. Is the shock killing you yet?

---

The odds were hopeless. For some reason, every villain imaginable was drawn to Konoha like a moth to a flame, at least for today. Must've been that Kanashimi girl...Damn, she's annoying. And a freak. (DIE FREAKS!) Just who does she think she is? Waltzing in here, taking my boyfriend...I can always deam, can't I? On top of that, she's just so--so PERFECT! I swear, she doesn't use a drop of makeup! And her hair is like a rainbow! Also, it makes me wondering just how she can be such a 'great, stealthy shinobi' when her hair's a flaming beacon and she's got a chest that can suffocate a man. No wonder the boys were all staring at her...She's stare-worthy, I'll give her that, and no more.

So anyways, I was caught in this crowd of students who were, like, 12. What, did the adults decide that Orochimaru wasn't a threat, and just send us out after him? Ugh...And our leader, three guesses who, was none other than; Kanashimi, in all of her glorious perfection! (How do I remember her name?) Getting to the point, we were marching towards our doom, completely OK with the fact that we were fatally screwed.

_"Remind me, why are we following that strange girl up there?" Shikamaru asked Chouji, gesturing towards Kanashimi as they trampled along after her, lagging behind in a crowd of one hundred-odd ninjas. _

_"Beats me." Chouji replied, crumpling up his trademark potato chip bag and tossing it over his shoulder as he finished the last chip. "I'm not sure why we're even bothering, since she did just kill two people out of the blue..." Shikamaru nodded apathetically and grumbled about how bothersome murderers were when a small fight broke out in their midst._

_"Admit it, you like her!" Naruto said tauntingly, glaring at Sasuke with every ounce of Intimidating Kyuubi Fury (tm) that he could muster. "I saw the way that you were looking at her after she kissed Neji...I have eyes, you know." The angsty Uchiha boy returned the glare with his own sulky resentment that managed to drive Konoha's female population wild._

Naruto seems to have been transformed into some babbling idiot, or at least more so than usual. What's up with him? It's like he can't tell his head from his ass anymore! Did he drink Windex? Breathe in helium? Something? Please say it's something else...I don't want him to be telling the truth.

_"You lie." Sasuke grumbled, shuffling a little bit farther away from Naruto. "I was just...Just disturbed by the fact that she had cat ears and a tail, that's all. TWO tails, no less. And her Sharingan reminded me of Itachi..." At this he trailed away, allowing the tragic, heart-rending music to begin and allowed most of the surrounding nin to wonder what he was babbling on about, while the others merely stopped and gaped in suprise as the mewling of violins filtered randomly down from the heavens. Kanashimi then turned to speak from them, amber eyes gleaming with anticipation and anxiety._

_"I can see them at the village gates! We must approach with caution..." She said, voice bold and spirit strong. "Please, try not to hurt too many of them. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore, so have mercy...Their leader is my beloved father, after all." At this, she paused to wipe a single glistening tear from her eye as nearly everyone gave a ridiculously choreographed 'Awww...' in unison. Meanwhile, at the gates of Konoha, Kanashimi's beloved father was giving a speech of the exact opposite kind._

I'm gonna have to agree with Orochimaru on this, since he finally deserves the benefit of the doubt here. I don't care what he did to my precious Sasuke, this is just unfair, even for someone as screwed-up and evil as he is.

_"Prepare yourselves!" Orochimaru cried, raising his sword as he raced in front of the entire Akatsuki, (who were merely a large group of moving shadows with sinister, glowing eyes) Otonin, and a massive legion of ANBU, in what looked like a pep rally from Hell. "I saw them advancing, so they obviously know of our presence. Don't worry about the genin, as your main goal is to destroy their leader...Trust me, you'll know her when you see her. And don't worry if you have to kill her at the cost of this village; I'd actually prefer it if you disposed at her and destroyed this place in the process." A few soldiers in the crowd cheered at the prospect of this. Raising their weapons, the massive army gave a loud, triumphant cry and charged ahead, ready for battle._

And here's where I relized, 'Aw crap, we're screwed! There's at least five hundred of them--Scratch that, one thousand--And only one hundred of us. Simply put, we're doomed.' But fortunately we were saved by Kanashimi!

...I would have rather died compared to the melodrama that she carried out for us to watch.

_Kanashimi turned her back on the group of genin, mithril-like tears gleaming in her light violet eyes as she drew her Trust Blade from its ruby-studded sheath. She walked to the gates, and grasped two of the bars in her delicate paws. Bracing herself, she turned to face the crowd of young ninjas again. _

_"You stay here," she said quietly, her perfect tears sliding gracefully down her ivory, perfectly formed face. "I must go alone. They'll simply destroy you if you come. I--I couldn't bear that...so many have died already on my account." She gazed at Sasuke with her sky blue orbs, a tight smile on her tear streaked face. "The ones I love," she broke off, ducking her head as the flow of pure water from her eyes increased, "always seem to get hurt." She bravely looked back at Sasuke and pulled him close, whispering into his ear. "I will come back for you, this I swear. I will not let us be seperated by this." When she pulled away, Sasuke's dark eyes were wet with twelve years of unshed tears._

I have never seen Sasuke cry, and I've been around him for nearly all my life. You can say I was a bit shocked when I saw him standing there in a pool of his own tears, still blubbering away like an idiot. He made Naruto look like a genius by comparison. I wanted nothing more than to put my arms around him and comfort him, but I couldn't move! It was like some strange force was locking my feet onto the ground...I just know Kanashimi was to blame for this, with her s00per special powers. And I could've had a good cuddle with Sasuke too...

_Turning around for the final time, she threw the gates opened, and marched forth to face the enemy alone. When she was only ten paces away, Sasuke gripped his hands into fists and cried "Kanashimi, I will not let you do this!" He ran foward, but Kanashimi gulped down another chest-wrenching sob and held out her hand, and Sasuke was instantly thrown backwards as if he had run full-long into a trampoline. He was propelled, shocked, back behind the gates, which shut and locked themselves._

You know, it was kind of ominous being locked in. It was like Beauty and the Beast with the self-closing gates...Three guesses who the beauty was, and the first two don't count.

_"No, Sasuke..." she whispered, biting her lip. Shaking back her wheaten hair, she looked straight ahead, into the face of certain death, and felt no fear, only a cold revolution as her strength and anger hardened into a white bar of bravery. Raising the Trust Blade above her head, she felt the first drops of icy rain fall onto her face. Mother, she thought, looking at the stormy sky, I will avenge you! _

_As the younge ninjas watched, helpless behind the locked gates, the small girl's frame seemed to glow shimmering gold as her chakra welled inside her, so immense that her miniscule form could hardly hope to contain it. She threw back her river of black hair and screamed in pain, as the energy ripped and tore threw her body, seeming to destroy it from the inside out as the light shot towards the heavens. Slowly, the shimmering waves sank back into her body, and once all eyes adjusted, they saw her bring her pale arms down, now painted with ebony black tattoos. _

Wait, wait, wait! Wasn't this girl's chakra BLUE earlier? And where did the rain come from? It was perfect, sunny weather just a few minutes ago.

_"Father," she whimpered to herself, blood dripping off her angular face, "I'm so sorry..." She put her hands together in the sign of the Phoenix and raised them above her head, screaming in a fit of sorrowful rage "ART OF THE TSUKIAKARI NO ZETSUMEI!" The tattoos on her hands glowed white, and for a minute, eyeryone let the angel-robe white light wash over them, soothing them, then they all fell to the ground, dead, except for Orochimaru and Itachi. Orochimaru looked at the girl in horror and...something else...was that love in the man's eyes? _

Mine EYES! If she was going to pull some big dramatic move, she could have at least warned us to bring sunglasses! (Lucky Shino.) I still have spots dancing in front of my eyes from it.

_Itachi looked at Kanashimi, undertanding in his eyes, and his icy heart full to bursting with the strangest feeling...He wanted to be by her, he needed her. With a timid look, he said, holding out his hand bespeachingly to the young girl who had stolen his heart, "My fair lady, you have stolen my heart away. Your beauty has melted my icy heart, given it new warmth that I haven't felt since..." His voice trailed off._

_"Alas, Braveheart, for we cannot be together. I have given my heart--foolishly, some might say--to another man, and he holds it tight within his grasp, so hard I find I scarce have the strength to breathe when I look at him. If only I had met you first, we might have been happy." She turned away, dark maroon chakra swirling around her arms, legs, and beautiful, smooth face, healing the deep cuts and replacing lost blood. Silently, she walked back into Konoha, the gates opening for her...when suddenly a hand grasping her shoulder with tight, biting nails. _

I cannot believe this. Since when was Itachi not a cold-blooded, heartless killer? And why in the nine circles of Hell is she calling him Braveheart? Who's Braveheart? Is this some big, cruel joke that I'm not a part of, or is this some sort of movie? Well, the girls and I decided to confront this beast, and luckily, they showed up right on time...


End file.
